W A R N I N G
Proceed With Caution

CLASSIFIED: The Text Files

Bye Bye, Bare Bellies

In a few months it will be all over. The midriff uniform will be gone from the NCAA.

Banished... the poor midriff. Why? Supposedly because midriffs made it impossible, or at least difficult, to read athletes' numbers. It was also mentioned that midriffs were "inappropriate".

Anyway, that's what "they" said. Who is "they"? I'm not really sure, but they appear to be the spokespeople of a rather interesting NCAA committee. Perhaps the NCAA committee on "inappropriate activity" led by chairperson McCarthy. I havea few theories about this committee.

My first is that they all suffer from a rare vision disorder that prevents them from focusing on black numbers if any distractions, like the navel of a fit 3000 meter runner, are present. The second theory is that their vision isn't impaired at all, they just feel like dirty old men when they stare at attractive women and have found a convenient way of masking their shame. I have evidence, albeit circumstantial, of a combination of both theories. The rule change was announced shortly after the NCAA Indoor 5,000 in which all those bare stomachs prevented the officials from successfully counting to 25. Imagine the embarrassment and guilt they felt when asked "What were you doing when you were supposed to be counting?".

It's true that occasionally an athlete doesn't pin a number on right and it causes a problem. This happens a small fraction of the time. More common problems are hip numbers with such cheap sticky stuff that they fall off before you finish the first lap, or bib numbers that are large and filled with sponsor logos (with just a normal-sized numeral) and take seven pins to secure.  

Cheap sticky stuff isn't banned, ridiculous billboard style numbers aren't banned, people who don't make sure their numbers are visible aren't just disqualified. The uniform is targeted. It doesn't make a lot of sense. What does is the explanation the NCAA would only allude to--that the uniforms are too sexy and that bothers them considerably. They LIKE midriff's on fit, young women and that is apparently a source of great strain for them. Such a strain that they have taken it upon themselves to change the public opinion of female athletes.

Midriff uniforms are worn by almost every elite U.S. track runner at some point in the season. Nike, Reebok, Adidas, Asics, Santa Monica...all of them provide their women with midriff uniforms. The midriff is standard racing gear. Which means the NCAA is in effect telling athletes they can't compete in gear standard to their sport.

Breaking down the whole debacle reveals how silly it really is. First of all, the idea of "appropriateness" with uniforms is amusing. It's a nice term to use in a press release where it won't be analyzed too much. But what does it mean? I would wager it is intended to conjure up a bit of "too sexy" with a touch of "we shouldn't be looking at what's being shown." Which is funny, since all a midriff reveals is a belly button. It may accentuate other parts of the female anatomy, but all that is actually revealed is a navel. This is a part of the anatomy at least a dozen 13 year olds were exposing in the mall last time I was there with no apparently disturbing effects to society. Because there is nothing shocking about a belly button. Not on a 11 year old in a swim suit. Not in a 16-year old in short T-shirt. And not in an adult athlete racing in a midriff uniform. So then all that can be inappropriate is what a midriff accentuates.

If accentuating certain places of females is a bad thing, you might think there would be a problem with accentuating the corresponding taboo parts of the male anatomy. Talk about a laughable idea. Somebody tell the Michigan swim team they can't wear Speedos anymore because they're inappropriate. It would never happen because the swimmers wouldn't let it happen. They would be in court so fast the NCAA public relations staff wouldn't have time to type their resignation letters.

The fact that the NCAA is able to do something this ridiculous raises some interesting questions about our sport and it's guardians. The NCAA is way out of line. It all seems like a takeoff of the movie "Major League". Faced with the potential popularity of a sport deemed "minor", the powers that be must stifle it. First, they annihilate scholarships. That mortally wounds the men's side but years later, the women are gathering steam. The word from above is that these girls are great athletes and pretty darned attractive and people are starting to figure it out. "Cover them up" is the answer. "That'll slow 'em down and hide their attractiveness." The NCAA has more control over the direction of the sport than anyone cares to admit and runners and the running related are letting themselves be steamrolled by an organization that went a long time without including women at all.

For many years, the NCAA did not concern itself with women's sports. Now they refuse to treat women's sports as real sports.

In real sports athletes are allowed to wear clothing that enables them to not only perform well, but to look good while they're doing it.